What is positive psychology? And what is it not?

Positive psychology is the “scientific study of what makes life worth living”, and enables people to go beyond functioning to flourishing in their lives. Perhaps you’re familiar with the Monday blues? Well, positive psychology is about empowering us to be happier, healthier individuals. And if you’re a parent, it can also enable you to raise happier, healthier kids.

But as you build an idea of what positive psychology is, it’s also vital to know what it’s not. So let’s clear up two common misconceptions:

1. It’s not just about positive emotions.

It’s easy to assume that positive psychology would be, well, all about being positive. This can lead to people feeling pressured to avoid negative emotions when they actually have a rightful place in our lives.

Instead, apart from reminding us that negative emotions are essential and should be accepted, positive psychology also implores us to consider the ratio of positive to negative emotions we might be feeling, and subsequently to assess whether an over-emphasis on either is a clue to deeper underlying issues we could address.

2. Positive psychology doesn’t downplay difficult situations.

Can you recall a time when you had difficult emotions to deal with, and a friend or family encouraged you to look at the silver lining? This is probably one of the least helpful emotional responses, because it undermines your feelings while not helping with your situation. Positive psychology is about working with the individual to shift their mindset without overlooking the fact that you are going through something challenging.  

Now that you’ve got a clearer picture of positive psychology, let’s explore how you can apply it in your daily life, and to the extreme challenge of parenting.

Here are 3 ways positive psychology can help you:

1. Positive psychology can improve communication and relationships.

Compassion and kindness are important tenets of positive psychology – not just towards others, but also ourselves.

By creating a safe space to accept negative emotions and situations, we are allowing ourselves and those we love to be honest about their feelings without judgment of whether these emotions are ‘good’ or ‘bad’.

In the long term, this forms a strong foundation for open conversations between family members, and keeps communication channels open.

Parents often say that their kids don’t tell them things, or that they are drifting apart. But if, as parents, we are able to provide a safe, non-judgmental safe space for our kids, they are more likely to come back to us.

2. It can boost resilience.

   The ability to handle what life throws at you by focussing on strengths and leveraging your innate capabilities is key in positive psychology, and this helps us overcome challenges and emerge stronger than before.

In a society where we are often asked to work on our weaknesses, embracing our inner strengths – whether it’s a capacity for optimism, prudence, or creativity – can help us shift towards flourishing in our lives.

And for kids, this is an important lesson in self-belief and resourcefulness, which will take them far in life.

3. Positive psychology can help us manage negative emotions.

Some common and effective interventions used in positive psychology are gratitude exercises as well as meditation. It’s interesting to note that the feeling of gratitude is pretty much the only feeling we can actively choose to evoke at any given time.

When faced with grim situations, our minds tend to ruminate on the negative, leading to spirals. Positive psychology techniques can help us get a handle on these emotions before they fester. These can be tools for managing daily stressors and challenges which will be beneficial for both you and your child.

In our next post, we’ll discuss how we might use positive psychology to build healthier relationships with our strengths and weaknesses. Stay tuned, or sign up here to receive new blogposts right in your inbox!

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Victoria manages Saturday Kids’ flagship social impact initiative Code in the Community – the largest programme offering free coding classes to disadvantaged kids in Singapore. A mum and ace baker, she also runs The Bright Life, where she runs parenting workshops and mindfulness programmes for children, working closely with parents to bring calm into the home.

The post What is positive psychology, and how can it help you? appeared first on Saturday Kids | Coding, Digital Literacy for Kids & Parents.

In this third piece, Victoria explores what parents can do to nurture kids’ independence, without compromising their own values and responsibilities. Here are 4 suggestions on what parents can do to raise independent kids, with takeaways from the Montessori approach.

1. Manage your expectations and take baby steps

As parents, our expectations are often skewed towards what we expect adults to do, and not these young, curious, still-developing minds.

Expect children to sit quietly during a meal and focus on eating? No. Expect them to automatically want to clean up their toys after playing? No. Expect that they not scream and cry when they are upset? No.

Children aren’t terrible creatures who can’t listen. Instead, they’re just not wired to be suppressed by these obligations and norms we, adults, abide by.

The part of our brain that controls self-restraint only develops around our 7th birthday. Even then, you can still expect to repeat yourself countless times, or to remind your child about certain tasks endlessly. Before we shrug off all unruly and undesirable behaviour with “they’re just being kids”, it’s good to reflect on what boundaries should be in place. These boundaries should be consistently reinforced, with consequences enforced, should the boundaries be broken.

So, what’s reasonable to expect of a child? Most kids under 5 have high tendencies for meltdowns because they’re still figuring out how to articulate their feelings. That’s not to say that older children (even adults!) don’t go through a tough time sorting out their feelings. A reasonable expectation across all ages is that hurting others is not allowed, and if they must get it out of their system, they can hit a pillow instead.

Educating children on methods to cope with their feelings enables them to manage situations better, with increasing independence.

This helps especially when a parent isn’t present, like at school.

It’s also good to have an idea of some activities your child can begin to do independently. The fastest way to identify these activities is to observe what your child has an interest in doing. For example, a toddler who wants to start feeding themselves will usually grab at utensils or food and begin directing it into their mouth. At this stage, you can try introducing foods that are easy to eat, such as pieces of cut apple, or utensils which are suitable for them. Older children may start showing an interest in washing the car or cooking dinner, so it’s a good time to get them involved then.

When it comes to what is reasonable, try not to make comparisons as each child’s development and motivations will differ, as will parents’ boundaries and enforcement techniques. What’s more important is to focus on establishing reasonable boundaries which you and your child can accept and work towards together.

2. Offer opportunities to practice independence

Why is “turning 18” seen as the magical age when children suddenly become adults expected to be able to do everything themselves, and how might we prepare our children for this?

Childhood education is a foundation which we need to build rock solid to stand a chance against all the challenges raising a teenager brings.

When it comes to independence for a young child, it’s ideal to start with helping children help themselves.

This means setting them up for success in performing simple, yet necessary, tasks. Things such as cleaning up after themselves if they’ve made a spill, learning how to change their own clothes, or even helping to load laundry into the washing machine – these set the stage for greater independence in future. 

To start introducing activities to your child, always demonstrate rather than instruct. I’ve noticed this also works with older children – demonstration leads to better understanding of the task, and therefore efforts usually pay off.

Independence relates to being able to think independently. Open-ended questions are great for that, such as, “where do you think the bus is going?”, “how should we move this from here to there?”, and “why do you think birds sing?” These questions are also good starting points to delve deeper into exploring a topic and also show children how to find the answers to questions they have, such as by reading up in books or using search engines for help.

3. Resist the urge to help your child – until they ask

Maria Montessori said, “never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed.”

When we do, we rob our children of that amazing feeling of satisfaction they would have gotten when they succeed on their own. It also tends to deter children from trying because they focus on the end result as opposed to the process of learning and trying to succeed. 

There have been occasions when my son tells me to help him build a tunnel using his blocks because he thinks I do a better job. In such instances, I either encourage him to join me by asking him, “hmm, I am stuck. Where do you think I should put this block?” or by reminding him that he’s good at building and to use a concrete example of something awesome he’s done to boost his confidence.

Resisting the urge to help our children is very, very difficult especially when we can see why they’re having a hard time, and all we want to do is just give them that little bit of assistance to help them succeed.

Until they ask, gesture or indicate they need help, resist the urge to step in and make those adjustments.

It breaks their concentration and determination. Instead, if you see them getting frustrated, then say, “I will be here if you need some help”, and wait for their response. It shows respect towards their efforts, and allows them to consider if they want the help.

4. Offer encouragement, not praise

Many parents I’ve met are their child’s biggest cheerleaders, and it’s really a great way to foster the spirit of trying. When we dish out words of encouragement, I like to focus on telling my son that I am proud of him for not giving up, for sticking through something he doesn’t enjoy (like putting his head underwater during swimming lessons) or for just trying to look at something from a different perspective. I’ve spoken about intrinsic motivation in our previous piece and I would like to build on the concept of shame.

According to psychologist Eric Erickson, an important part of the toddler years as the need to establish autonomy vs shame. Their impulse is to do everything on their own and build greater control over their bodies. Children who are well supported during this phase grow up with confidence and a great sense of security.

One key component of support is to offer plenty of encouragement – not praise – as a child strives to succeed at a task. On the flip side, those who have experienced constant shaming likely grow up feeling insecure and doubtful of their abilities.

This is a reminder that not all of our natural reactions are the best way of dealing with our children. For example, my son often insists on drinking from a cup which tends to end up in a massive water play session. On days when we are short on time and I’m left with a toddler sitting in a puddle of water in the middle of the kitchen, it’s very tempting to think, “What in the world are you doing?” which implies that his actions were not very intelligent. Instead, responding with “I see there’s water everywhere. How did this happen?” could be a better start to have a conversation about discipline.

. . .

It’s not always straightforward to navigate how we can better work with and support our children. There are days where even the best intentions turn out less than stellar. On days like those, remember that being able to say sorry or make amends is also an important lesson for our children to learn, and shows great humility to work with our children in a collaborative way.

…

At Saturday Kids, we’re on a mission to inspire kids to be curious and self-motivated learners.
Find out what we’ve got planned for kids this school holiday right here!

Through this series of articles, we hope to create conversations around what real learning means.
If you have any comments or feedback or just want to chat over a coffee, drop us an email at [email protected]!

Read more from this series:

Why Failure is Not Always a Bad Thing
Raising Self-Directed Learners: What is Intrinsic Motivation and Why Does It Matter?

About Victoria Yim

Victoria manages Code in the Community – providing free coding classes for kids from lower-income families – and is also the founder of The Bright Life, where she runs parenting workshops and mindfulness programmes for children, working closely with parents to build on techniques to bring calm into the home.

The post How to Raise Independent Kids: Learn from the Montessori Approach appeared first on Saturday Kids | Coding, Digital Literacy for Kids & Parents.

As we shared previously, no one really knows what skills and knowledge will be necessary in the world to come. Raising kids to be self-directed learners might be our best shot at creating a better world for themselves and others.

In the 2nd instalment of this 3-part series by Montessori educator and Code in the Community lead Victoria, we explore how to keep our children motivated to learn, even when the going gets tough.

Raising Self-Directed Kids: Understanding Intrinsic Motivation

One of my favourite books on intrinsic motivation has to be Daniel Pink’s Drive. He goes to great lengths to highlight why many of our current reward schemes do little for productivity and innovation, and makes a strong case for us to focus on intrinsic, as opposed to extrinsic, motivation. Intrinsic motivation can be described as behaviour that is driven by internal rewards and satisfaction, whereas extrinsic motivation relies on rewards, incentives and praise.

Source

According to Pink, intrinsic motivation is what enables people to truly shine and thrive because they are driven internally by passion. When I combine this with Montessori philosophy, it reinforces our work to help our children develop and maintain their natural curiosity of the world, as well as to persevere through tasks. In Montessori classrooms, neither reward charts nor punishments are used. These were believed to thwart the natural curiosity of children (i.e they only learn for a reward) or encourage them to operate out of fear, instead of grasping an understanding of desirable and undesirable behaviour.

I like using Pink’s framework to explain how we develop intrinsic motivation because it is so easy to understand and highly relevant to children (and parents) of all ages. There are 3 essential components in building intrinsic motivation: Autonomy, Mastery and Purpose. We explore them in more details below.

1) Autonomy

At The Bright Life, we sound like broken records when it comes to talking about building independence in children. We have the notion that once our children reach a certain age, we can suddenly thrust them into a world of “being independent” but then freak out when both parent and child are unable to cope with the newness.

Independence shouldn’t be seen as something you wake up with one morning when you turn 16. Instead, we can look at it more like a process, where independence is given in age-appropriate amounts, so it’s in measured doses and within a safe limit. For example, autonomy for a 2 year old could be picking which books they want to read, or choosing which tasks they want to work on.

We always encourage parents to allow children to exercise their autonomy in ways such as these, as it reminds our children that they have a voice, and it should be heard (within reason, of course!). Gradually extend the boundaries in which children are empowered to make their own decisions as they grow older. Once they are older, autonomy can also look like a collaborative effort to decide on things together; what movie to pick for family night and considering other family members’ likes and dislikes in the process, or the boundaries on curfews and consequences if these boundaries are overstepped.

When we involve children in the process of setting rules, it not only reinforces their autonomy, it also reminds them of responsibility. As a result, they are more likely to follow rules and accept consequences, if any.

2) Mastery

Children are a determined bunch. In our household, my son’s current obsession has been this flight of stairs down at the playground that leads to a large slope. Every afternoon, he makes his way up these steps, sometimes needing to hold the handle bar and other times, able to walk up unassisted. Once he reaches the top, he readies himself, and squeals with delight as he runs down the slope. Then, he begins that process all over again.

As I observe this daily occurrence, I wonder why is it that many of us think that our children “can’t sit still”, “have trouble concentrating” and “don’t seem interested in a task for more than 2 minutes.” Here I am, hoping that my son might tire soon because my unfit legs are starting to feel the strain from following him up the stairs, but he’s determined to complete this activity until I eventually have to persuade him to return home for dinner.

Maria Montessori noted that children are innately programmed to master skills which they need. These skills come from performing a task or series of tasks repeatedly until they feel satisfied and have mastered it. You can tell that a child is fully engaged, from their ability to concentrate and complete tasks despite facing setbacks or challenges.

There are a few ways we can support their quest for mastery. The first is to always be supportive, whether through words of encouragement or just to be present with them whilst they’re at work. Another way to aid in their mastery of skills is to provide avenues for them to practice these skills.

For example, because I know my son is trying to learn how to climb up the stairs unassisted, we go down to the playground every day so he can practice. When it rains, we head to the stairwell and he gets to practice there too. It requires some observation to figure out what is keeping them curious, but it comes with huge benefits and makes the learning and mastery process more enjoyable.

3) Purpose

A child’s purpose is to work. It’s not work in the traditional sense, but through activities, and exploration, children will begin to learn more about their environment and themselves. This is crucial in their self construction. It’s just like how, through experiences such as travel that we learn more about the world, and also ourselves in relation to different cultures and practices.

We can help children achieve their purpose of self construction through ensuring that a wide range of experiences are available to them.

These don’t refer to big ticket trips abroad, but rather experiences such as dressing themselves, preparing a meal for the family, and learning how the world around us works.

The first step in developing a larger life purpose begins by first enabling our children to build their independence by learning how to do things on their own, as well as discovering their own abilities, likes and dislikes, to develop an understanding of themselves in relation to the environment they are living in.

When I reflect on enabling my own curiosity as an adult, I found that I learnt the best when I actively sought out what I wanted to learn. I also realised that there is always a time and place to conquer tasks, and that learning how to walk before you run is often a good way to approach something intimidating. As Benjamin Franklin said, “Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.”

. . .  

At Saturday Kids, we’re on a mission to inspire kids to be curious and self-motivated learners.
Find out what we’ve got planned for kids this school holiday right here!

Through this series of articles, we hope to create conversations around what real learning means.
If you have any comments or feedback or just want to chat over a coffee, drop us an email at [email protected]!

Read more from this series:

Why Failure is Not Always a Bad Thing
How to Raise Independent Kids: Learn from the Montessori Method

About Victoria Yim

Victoria manages Code in the Community – providing free coding classes for kids from lower-income families – and is also the founder of The Bright Life, where she runs parenting workshops and mindfulness programmes for children, working closely with parents to build on techniques to bring calm into the home.

The post Raising Self-Directed Kids: Understanding Intrinsic Motivation appeared first on Saturday Kids | Coding, Digital Literacy for Kids & Parents.

Of course, it’s not often a good thing; but the reality is it happens to everyone, and the best thing we can do for our kids is to teach them to manage failure healthily. And of course, that starts at home.

Winston Churchill said, “success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” Or to quote our manifesto, “it’s fine to fail, but just don’t bail”. (Of course it’s not always fine – but most of the time, it’s not the end of the world.)

Much of Montessori theory revolves around younger children and helping them build important life skills before society comes socialises them with external beliefs. Take failure for example: A young child enjoys the process of completing a task, observing how things can be done in different ways and trying a task over and over again. In fact, just observing my own two-year-old son finding great pleasure in piecing the jigsaw puzzle pieces together, only to pull them apart and piece them back together again is all the proof I need that the process is important and must be honoured.

Unfortunately, whether through our own perceptions and attitudes as parents, or the reward systems that only seem to value success based on the best grades or the highest score, many children begin internalise the mindset that everything only matters when we succeed – which is not true.

Here are 4 lessons from the Montessori method about teaching kids to develop a healthy relationship with failure:

1. Embody support for your child.

   We like to think of parents as our kids’ greatest cheerleader. This means that when our children have a hard time and want to give up, or when they want to attempt something new, we should always meet them with support. Of course this doesn’t pertain to supporting every single thing they do (throwing food across the dinner table and laughing probably falls into the not-funny-at-all category), but the meaningful work they’re trying to achieve.It requires us to know what support should look like at the different stages of our child’s life. For young toddlers, support looks like sitting beside them to guide them through the process of the task they are trying to accomplish. We will probably also need to be their ‘outside voice’ because they are still learning to articulate their frustrations and will need help talking through their feelings. Support, for young children, also goes beyond words of encouragement but to actually be part of the process to complete their task together, or maybe demonstrate again to help them gain a better grasp of the work.

   In most instances, the type and level of support varies from child to child, and will require parents to dedicate some time to really observe and listen to the child’s needs in order to determine how they can support their child. Through this, we also recognise and respect them as individuals much like ourselves. Some of us prefer hugs and ice-cream whilst others opt for a solitary run instead, and kids are no different. This not only allows us to offer better help, it also reinforces the idea that you care about what bothers them.

2. Redefining success and failure.

   I’ll be the first to admit that it took me awhile before I could reframe my own definition of success just because prizes, awards, and material possessions have always been a strong part of the success narrative I’ve been taught. It’s important to acknowledge that every child wants to feel proud of themselves, and recognised for their work. We can help them do that when we reframe what success and failure is.This could start with being realistic with your expectations. Being aware of what an eight-year-old is capable of will enable us to design better activities for them, and also set them up for success.

   Redefining success also means that we must be cognisant and accept that every child learns differently and at a different pace. If we fail to acknowledge that each child has their own innate talents and gifts then we have given them too narrow a universe to live in. Instead, Montessori reminds us that as we see ourselves as the facilitators of a child’s potential and growth, we need to observe their strengths and inclinations in order to help them build on these talents. For us, it doesn’t mean we never do anything we aren’t talented in, it just means that we are aware that the child may take more time in understanding certain concepts as compared to others.

   Of course it’s a process of change that has to begin with the parents and caregivers. Our view of success has been so ingrained that it won’t change overnight. Yet, it is when we start becoming conscious about our own prejudice and attitudes that real change will be made. It’s not about not trying to get the award or first prize; it means that we can afford to look at success in a more holistic manner that values hard work, kindness, determination and even just giving it a good shot.

3. Use failure as an opportunity to develop resilience.

   At a recent resilience training course I attended, all participants had to work in pairs and chart out our year’s highs and lows based on how we felt about events that had happened in the past year. We had all come from different backgrounds but when we compared our charts, the pattern was similar. We had all been through good and rough patches and had found the strength to bounce back each time. The lecturer explained that resilience was the key to bouncing back from difficult situations. As opposed to the belief that resilience means gritting one’s teeth and trudging through despite pain, resilience is actually more about one’s ability to pick themselves up after a fall and try again. In this vein, failure, or not getting things right, helps our children learn how to dust themselves off and give things another shot.Here comes the tricky bit; how we respond to their success or failures shape their development of this neat skill called resilience. As a general guide, we always give recognition to the values that we want our children to build. Whether it’s the effort of trying to complete a task, the attention to detail or that they kept their cool even when things got tough.

   Sometimes our children just get mad and decide they want to give up altogether. In instances such as these, leave the task at hand and take a break. To continue instilling the ‘try again’ attitude though, do bring your child back to the task to give it another go. Building resilience is much like building muscles; the more we practice, the stronger it gets. When we use each stumble to build and exercise resilience, we build help our children build resilience for the future.

4. Learn to manage negative feelings.

   It doesn’t feel great when we don’t succeed, especially after we’ve put in so much effort. In fact, it doesn’t feel great when a good friend says something mean to you, or when things don’t seem to go the way we plan. What we’re trying to say is that negative feelings arise in many situations, including the times when we don’t succeed. There’s little we can do to get rid of them, but much we can do to learn how we can manage these pesky feelings.One of the most important things we can do for our children is to acknowledge their feelings, and to let them know that we see them. This means that we don’t brush off their feelings with a, “don’t be angry” or “don’t give up”. Instead, we let them know that they are entitled to their feelings and that we respect them. Subsequently, we can help them manage these feelings in a productive way, such as going outdoors to play, or even embarking on some breathing exercises. Also when you’re having a bad day, invite your child into your world by sharing what you will do to help yourself feel better and maybe even bring them along.

   It’s crucial we show our children the many facets of being human; this includes the wide range of emotions we are able to feel. This lets them develop a deeper understanding and acceptance of feelings that may be considered ‘bad’ such as being sad or angry, and subsequently allow them to manage these feelings instead of being overrun or embarrassed by them. By paying attention to emotional literacy from a young age, we also support our children in managing these feelings in a positive and productive way and keeps the avenues open for greater communication.

Failure is an inevitable part and parcel of our lives, and maybe even our everyday. When we stop paying too much attention and regarding it with exceptionalism and instead start opening our eyes to the many ways we can approach failure, we widen the world we bring our children up in. That, to me, is a bright life.

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